They walk amongst us.

Glad to bring back memories for you. We had pre booked our tickets, and it had rained heavily Manchester way the day before, and the water in the caves had risen dramatically and they had to shut on the Monday afternoon. Luckily it had receded enough by Tues morning, just a case of emptying out the speedwell boat and cleaning the steps up, and in Peak Cavern scraping a load of mud away to let water drain away from the floor. Still one bonus of the rain we got to hear why Peak cavern is called the Devils Arse. We also did the Whin Hill and Hope Cross walk where we had a wonderful view of the valley and could see the cave entrances spread about. Then all the views of Ladybower on the way back.
 
We popped into our local Wyvale garden centre today, and ordered two small cappuccinos in the cafe. The small ones, at £2.80, are equivalent to a normal mugful and the 'ordinary' ones, at around £3.50 are twice the size, more than we want. Coffees arrived, and I produced my Wyvale card and a current money-off token, which entitled me to, I quote, a 'free drink, tea or coffee (not speciality drinks.)"
The lady serving us said 'I'm sorry, that offer is only available if you have a large coffee, not a small one, and you didn't tell me you wanted to use a token before I made it.'
So I asked how I was to know that only a large coffee qualified, and a small one was a 'speciality drink,' and indeed, what was the sense in this restriction? To resolve the impasse, I suggested she just rang up my small cup as a large one, everybody's happy.
No, she said, she couldn't do that. However, she was willing to make me another cup of coffee, a large one, and accept my token.
Bemused, I watched her pour away the untouched small cup and make a new large one, which I carried to the table and drank half of.
 
And thats when I killed her m'lord ....We have come across that sort of stupid logic, it beggars belief. Heard two good ones today. Mum is back in hospital and sitting in cafe a woman is on the phone and the conversation went. " it's your mum dear, they are keeping your dad in as he has a very high temperature and thats what was making him hilarious"
Other one was on the bus. Rather large girl gets on and says to her boyfriend/partner in a very loud voice " they want to do an internal examination on me how embarrassing is that" Well not that embarrassing if you can tell the whole bus obviously love
 
bigyetiman said:
Other one was on the bus. Rather large girl gets on and says to her boyfriend/partner in a very loud voice " they want to do an internal examination on me how embarrassing is that" Well not that embarrassing if you can tell the whole bus obviously love
Click to expand...
Gosh, you don't mean you and the other passengers listened to what she shouted, did you? Well! I mean! Nobody would have expected that! If you can't have a very private conversation on a public bus, in a very loud voice, when can you?! :mrgreen: :D
 
Given the loudness of her voice, I am surprised you couldn't hear the conversation as well
 
I've just had these in an email from BYM's OH, and when I had got up off the floor after collapsing with laughter, I thought you'd all like to share them too.




These Will Make You Laugh
How do court stenographers keep a straight face?

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
 
She sent them to me to Marigold. I nearly fell off my chair too.
I really love the last one!
 
Went to an event last night where Dr Mark Baldwin talked about the Enigma Rotary code generator and whether being able to de-code German Naval messages had an impact on the war in the North Atlantic. The circumstantial evidence by way of reduction in merchant shipping losses would indicate that it did. I learnt loads of fascinating new stuff, including the fact that Germany was using the system when starting to re-arm in the '20s. I went to have a look at the machine after the talk finished and Dr Baldwin lifted up the metal cover over the bulbs to explain something. The man standing next to me, in his late fifties or sixties said "Oh, they're old fashioned bulbs not LEDs " I didn't dare look at Br Baldwin's face as he said "Not in a machine made in the 1920s"!
 
O M G. It sounds a fascinating talk though. My grandfather was in the Merchant Navy during the war, having served in the Royal Navy during the first war. Boy did he have some great stories to tell
 
Oops, just noticed a typo which I've corrected - it should have been 1920s. The Germans actually patented the Enigma machine in London but because of the rotors used to generate the letters they thought no-one would be able to crack it. The three rotor system was actually cracked by three Poles who gave all the information to Britain and France and destroyed all other records before Germany invaded Poland. It was later expanded to 5 rotors (only 3 used at a time) but the German Navy went up to 8 rotors at the beginning of 1942 and merchant shipping losses were horrendous for the whole of that year until a "U boat" was captured and the paperwork referring to the machine transferred to the Royal Navy destroyer. Two seamen went back to get the machine but the "Uboat" sank with them on board so they never knew how great was their contribution to the war effort. I could go on for hours ...
 
A woman who want to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”

The woman said, “How about 40 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and stepladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband, “Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?

“The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the woman came to the door to take her money. “You finished fast!” he said.

“Yes,” the woman replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the woman added, “that’s not a Porsch, it’s a Ferrari.”
 
So I said to my wife who is 13 years younger then me, - 
'Love, if nature takes its natural course, then by rights, I should pass before you do'
'I suppose so' she said.
'Can I ask just one thing of you?' I asked.
'Of course my love, what is it'?
I said, 'I dont want you to be lonely if and when it happens and would expect you to enjoy the company of another man after a suitable time has passed'
'Oh my' she said, 'thats very loving of you'
'All I ask is that you'll promise me you wont let him ride my motorbike' I said.
'Oh no of course I wont' she said,'in any case he doesn't have a bike licence'


The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's only got a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?', he asks, 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears..

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!!!
 
The human race has truly lost the plot. Pulled up at the bus stop and an elderly lady is there in a wheelchair with a friend, I got off bus to put down the ramp to let her on and a girl with a push chair tried to elbow us all out of the way. I said let the wheelchair on first. " Yeah and if I do that she will take up all the buggy/wheelchair space" I told her she could always fold the buggy up (child was about 5). That got a withering look.
She then got on bus sat herself in the elderly and disabled seats and whined and bitched all the way about people taking her space on the bus. Then refused to move for two elderly gentlemen with sticks. Someone asked her to move and the reply was " I'm Facebooking mate, it's like important"
 
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go and turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed, stealing things.

He called the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. The police said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and called the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I have a rifle and I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armored Unit and an ambulance arrived and caught the robbers red-handed.
 
and another one ...

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“James,” the new seaman answered.

“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

“Now,what’s your last name?”

The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”

“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…
 
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