If pets kept a diary...

Oh dear Nigella! They have flown off to the Brahmas! Bonnie did that just before Xmas with her poorly leg but the sea air and sunshine will be doing her good! We are so fed up with dreary days here but Pom says the days are getting longer and it wont be long now before we get some tasty nosh at 7.00 in the evening before heading for the roost. Lulu thought she had a funny egg laying feeling on Sunday but it may have been the wind! Love from Mo. X
 
I live in a wonderful environment. It’s always warm and every day there’s an ever changing selection of delicious food. OK it’s a bit dark but sunshine can have an aging effect on ones complexion. I’d say the worst aspect of it all is loneliness because I live alone. But friends would only compete for food so I’m probably better off on my own. Also it’s allowed me to grow to a phenomenal size. Where my offspring go I’ve no idea. They never write or email but living in a small place probably means that there’s no room for iPads or laptops. I’m an endangered species nowadays though hundreds of years ago we were really common. But it’s often the way. Conservationists always go for tigers or giant pandas whereas un-charismatic folk like me get hardly a thought.
Love Tracey
(Murray’s tapeworm).
 
Nigella here again. Thank you for your reassuring message, Mo. We are still here together and the others haven't come back yet. The Brahmas sounds a lovely place. The human seemed to be suggesting that she would send us there if we didn't lay this week, so I'm just trying to keep my legs crossed and so is Iris.

Meanwhile, we have plenty of time at the moment to read this forum and educate ourselves. Tracey, we advise you to be on your guard. From what we've been reading, it's evident that your Host is an expert at poultry keeping and therefore will know all about Flubenvet, which is designed to get rid of people like you. Ethnic cleansing, you might call it. If the food stops tasting quite so good, we'd advise you to go on hunger strike for a while.
 
That happens here, every so often we hear a conversation on the lines of " well she doesn't look good, it will be the kindest thing to do" then the hen disappears. From what we get told by our human they go to a place called chicken heaven with lots of other hens, and it is always sunny and your dust bathing area never gets wet and soggy, and nothing to worry you, so it sounds pretty good when you get there. Not sure if it takes long to get there, and if you have to be shoved in a dark crate for the journey
 
Poppy here. Today was weigh-in day, one long week into my diet. The good news is that (being useless at maths) She has realised I wasn't 400 grams over my target weight, but only 40. Today I weighed 6.00 kilos, which is 25 grams less than last Monday. The bad news is that apparently I still have another 25 grams to go before getting to my highest target weight of 5.75 kilos. She says this will mean another week on the diet at least. She also says I'm due for my annual MOT from the vet at the end of the month so 'should be there by then', whatever that means. She has been working in the garden some days this week, which has been nice as I get to rummage under the hedges and bark at intruders who pass the gate into the field, both human and canine. But neither of Them like going out in the rain and wind very much, so that's all right. More lovely sofa time.
I quite like it at the vets. They have an animals telly in the waiting room, with videos of cartoon cats, dogs and rabbits eating the right food and looking healthy, happy and not overweight. I especially like the cats and rabbits. The vet himself is very nice, but we do have a struggle when he tries to squirt vaccine up my nose. i suppose it's to prevent me getting that coronavirus which is on the news so much.
 
Iris and I have been having a nice peaceful time here, despite all the crashing and banging from the trees outside in the wind. The others still haven't come back from the Brahmas, which has its advantages. Instead of Lily standing on the treats plate, glaring at and pecking anyone who dares to put her beak in over the edge whilst she is scoffing all the best bits, we have been standing politely at opposite sides of the plate, eating calmly and making civilised conversation with each other. At night we roost comfortably together on the much-prized back perch in the coop, furthest away from the pophole. We get plenty of chances to nibble the new greens that our human hangs up for us every day, and we have the run of the dustbath when we want it.
So we're not sure about whether we want to go to the Brahmas or not. The human was overheard saying she would 'give that two a week and see if they lay' which sounds as if we might get a lift to the Brahmas if there's no eggs before Thursday. Iris is in favour of doing what we can to stay here, and has laid one egg, although as this was the day after the others left, it must have been in the pipeline anyway. I haven't laid at all, and am trying to keep it that way as I like the sound of the Brahmas, from what Mo has told us. We are agreed that, whatever happens, we hope it involves both of us, as being left here alone would be no fun at all. All advice welcomed. Thank you, Nigella.
 
Dear Nigella,

I'd advise against going to the Brahmas at the moment, especially if it involves crossing the Rainbow Bridge in these high winds. Your bum feathers will get blown asunder and there'll be the most dreadful draught in your nether regions!

I'd also avoid Newcastle- apparently there's a nasty chicken disease there- though Humum reckons that Sunderland is worth a visit (something to do with the National Glass Centre- she's a bit obsessed with glass!)

Avoiding coronavirus, fantaviruses and pepsiviruses is also wise. Snuggle up in your nest box. Think of it as a staycation!
 
Linden here. Reporting on the Weekly General Meeting of the Run
First item: We discussed your diet thing Poppy and the general consensus was to eat everything including spiders, worms and cabbage. Try pecking the window and looking forlorn - that usually improves the rations.
The Great Egg Strike: Now in the tenth week of the strike and the management is definitely feeling the pressure. Our demands are simple - a free range acre of sweetcorn, a ban on tall plant pots and the right not to be lifted down from the perch in the morning - (that is convenient, I must admit,) but that's not the point! We must stand firm! I note that one of the flock has been in the nest box. Pom, put that piece of straw down and pay attention!
Lulu: It was you in the nest box Linden, I saw you in there.
Well, yes, it has to be inspected - to see that it is suitable, and cosy, and has to be tried out for size and all. Not that anyone is going to use it but standards must be maintained!
Mo: We only have one nest box, shouldn't that be in our demands? More nest boxes?
Yes! Absolutely! More nest boxes and the right to all get in one of them of our choosing. Right! - any other business?
Lulu: Could you get to the perch sooner in the evening Linden? Mo keeps chasing me around!
Mo: Its not me! You're all just so damn annoying!
Linden: Good grief! Pom, please could you type this up and I'll deliver our new demands at sunrise and - by the way - you are all looking very beautiful this evening!
Mo, Lulu, Pom: Why thank you Linden!
 
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

The idea of little Poppy eating spiders, worms and cabbage and pecking at the window! I guess she can look pretty forlorn anyway.
 
Nigella reporting.
Well, we're still both here, a week after our promised trip to the Brahmas. I blame Iris, she laid a lovely big, intact egg yesterday, perfectly clean since Lily isn't around to poo in the nestbox. The human was pleased, I heard her say 'I'll give it another week and see what Nigella comes up with, and meanwhile I'll look online for some more pullets.'
I hope that doesn't mean that our holiday has been cancelled, or even worse, that we face an influx of immigrants who may not share our values. Iris is a more sociable person than me. She keeps sucking up to the human and looking for attention, and even seems to like having her feathers stroked. I escape contact when I can, remembering the times when I've suffered personal abuse, being caught to have my nails clipped and bum inspected. One must retain one's dignity. If any immigrants do arrive, I shall have to make it clear who is the new Top Hen - and it won't be Iris!
 
Iris here. I'm in the nestbox, hiding from Nigella, pretending to lay an egg but secretly online, tucking our phone under my feathers. I just want to share my worries about what's happening here.
Let's face it, a week ago three of us disappeared suddenly and haven't come back. That night, I peeped out of the coop after the human had taken the last one and I saw her pushing a wheelbarrow loaded with three sealed plastic body bags. We have been told all sorts of stories about 'rainbow bridges', 'trips to the Brahmas' and 'a good life in the hereafter,' but I'm an atheist and I don't believe any of that religious claptrap. I keep trying to convince Nigella that our fate hangs in the balance, but she won't listen or help. I've managed to lay two eggs this week - it was a struggle, but I did my best - and I do cosy up to the human when she arrives every afternoon with the treats, because I can see she responds to a bit of love and affection and anyway, she is good at stroking feathers. Nigella says I'm suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. She won't try to lay an egg or get friendly with the human, because she thinks, probably quite rightly, that this behaviour will ensure our speedy trip to the Brahmas, which is her aim in life at the moment.
I hope we do stay here and get some immigrants, it would be good to have a wider social circle than just the two of us, with other youngsters to do all the hard work of egg production. Now Lily has gone, Nigella is getting very bossy, hence my need to post this in secret. What do you think? Is my strategy best, or is Nigella right after all?
 
Hi Iris. Pom here - practising my typing skills as, if Linden keeps demanding minuets by the morning then Im going to have to do better than 10 pecks a minute!
Have to agree with Nigella so far as not trusting the human as far as you could throw them - we CLBs quite like our human but it can keep its hands to itself, thank you very much! I'm impressed that you have managed to lay a couple of eggs this week. We are supposed to be on strike but, secretly, I would love to be back in the nest box and re-arranging the straw. Somehow the feeling hasn't arrived yet, even though we have had some serious winds of change!
Stick with it Iris! You've got to keep an eye on Nigella when the newbies arrive (they will be clueless teenagers into JPop and stuff) and the spring is just around the corner. Oh! It will be so good to be sunbathing on the back step again!
 
Dear Iris, it's Mabel here. I'm the Queen at Cluckingham Palace here in Notts. I just had a thought when you mentioned you saw 3 plastic bags in the wheel barrow. Could it be that the girls were put in a waterproof cagoules, ready for their trip to Iceland? I've heard it is very cold there, infact everything is frozen. Even turkeys are sent there. Must be a nice place, as lots of families seem to go and come back with bags of goodies. One little girl was heard to say they did chicken drum sticks, which I thought Barbie would love, as she likes tapping on our toy drum.
I wouldn't worry too much, because either holiday sounds great, whether you're being "roasted to death" in the Brahmas or "frozen to death" in Iceland, metaphorically speaking, of course.
 
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