The Jokes section.

[Marigold]

Time we had a new Jokes section. Here's one for starters;

Roman’s garage burned down and his wife Tessa called the insurance company.

She spoke to the insurance officer and said, “We had that garage insured for sixty thousand, and I want my money.”

The officer answered, “Hold on there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new garage of similar worth.”

There was a long quiet pause, and then Tessa answered, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

 

[Marigold]

After a long time, Jesse visits his old aunt . As he sits on the sofa, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

“Mind if I have a few?” Jesse asks.

“No, not at all, I'll be glad if you finish them up” the old woman replied.

They talked about health of the old woman for half an hour and, as Jesse stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he's emptied most of the bowl.

“I’m really sorry for eating all your peanuts auntie. I really just meant to eat a few.”

“Oh, that’s all right,” his aunt says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”

 

[LadyA]

Where do gangsters buy their furniture?

Ikillya.

 

[dinosaw]

Q. Who said "we will fight on the beaches"
A. Winston Churchill

Q. Who said "there is nothing wrong with defeat"
A. Nelson Mandela's chiropodist.

 

[Marigold]

Q. Who said "there is nothing wrong with defeat"
A. Nelson Mandela's chiropodist.

I wish mine could say the same (if I had one.)

 

[Hen-Gen]

It's all very Dick Emery!

 

[Marigold]

Fearing that he would be late for an important business meeting in London, a motorist was beginning to panic because he couldn’t find a parking space. Street after street was full, and growing ever more desperate, he decided to seek help from the Almighty.

Looking up to Heaven, he said: “Lord, please help me out here. If you find me a parking space, I’ll give up drink and women and go to Mass every Sunday.”

Then as he turned the corner, miraculously a parking space appeared.

He looked skyward again and said: “Never mind, I found one.”

 

[Hen-Gen]

Q. Who said "there is nothing wrong with defeat"
A. Nelson Mandela's chiropodist.

I wish mine could say the same (if I had one.)

I hate to ask but do you mean that you don't have a chiropodist or that you don't have any feet?

 

[Marigold]

I have really weird feet but have never had the courage to undertake the 6 weeks in plaster it would take, per foot, (I do have two of them) for refurbishment.

 

[bigyetiman]

Don't blame you.
Jewish man sits on a park bench eating his Passover meal
A blind man comes and sits next to him, feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passes him a Matzo
The blind man sits there running his fingers over the Matzo and finally says " who wrote this crap?"

 

[valeriebutterley]

Marigold,
if we get round to this pub meeting, all I need to look for is a lady with weird feet, it it?

 

[Marigold]

That'll do, - for a start!
Did you get my message?

 

[Eris]

A chap came into our Library the other day and asked me where the self help books were.
I told him that although I could tell him I wasn't going to, as I felt it would be rather defeating the object.

 

[Hen-Gen]

Great to see you here, Eris.

 

[Eris]

Getting rather peed off with the facebook fluffy ickle-wickle ooohhh and awwwww cutesy chicken crowds and felt a need to seek out more sensible people with chickens.

 

[LadyA]

Getting rather peed off with the facebook fluffy ickle-wickle ooohhh and awwwww cutesy chicken crowds and felt a need to seek out more sensible people with chickens.

I've never gone there!! Would drive me bonkers! "Hun"! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

 

[Icemaiden]

I had a boss who called me "Hun". I was outraged. How sexist! "No", he said, "It's short for Attilla the Hun. Everyone calls you that!"

Thank heavens I don't have PMT any more

 

[LadyA]

I had a boss who called me "Hun". I was outraged. How sexist! "No", he said, "It's short for Attilla the Hun. Everyone calls you that!"

Thank heavens I don't have PMT any more

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

 

[Hen-Gen]

I had a boss who called me "Hun". I was outraged. How sexist! "No", he said, "It's short for Attilla the Hun. Everyone calls you that!"

Thank heavens I don't have PMT any more

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

When I was 60 I had a tee shirt printed that said:

I'm not 60
I'm 18 with 42 years of erectile dysfunction

Not everyone was amused.

 

[Marigold]

I wonder what happened to you in the decade before you were 18?