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If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:56 pm
by cuwiar
From a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

From a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B@stards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies'. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

Re: If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2012 3:45 pm
by Marigold
Marigold's diary.

Woke up about 7.00, could hear the wild birds singing and moving around. Got shoved on to the back perch as usual, had to wait for those stuck-up hybrids to get moving, and then Nutmeg, before I could get out. By the time I'd hopped on to the front perch and then down the ramp, they'd all got their heads stuck into the bowl of mash and eaten most of the mealworm topping, although (because?) they know how much I like it. I have a feeling they snigger about me behind my wings. i've even heard Her say she thinks I'm a bit thick, when She thought I wasn't listening.

An hour later, She walks past with the dog, who is being taken out to free range in the field, which looks a lovely place, from what we can see of it through the hedge and fence, but we're not allowed in there. We are all left in our run, 'to eat your pellets and lay your eggs, like good girls!' Patronising woman!
However, later in the morning I'm just setlling down to lay a nice egg. It's lovely and peaceful in the nestbox, the only time I get to myself really, and i'm just going off into a little doze when I hear Her arriving to let us out into the garden for our daily playtime. Oh no! They'll eat all the worms and grass before I get there! It'll be the mealworm scenario all over again! I cluck loudly but nobody takes any notice, so I give a huge push and out it comes. No time to have a little brood (indeed, when I tried that last year She was horrible to me about it and put a large cold flowerpot in MY nestbox.) I chase off after the others and find they're eating up the bits of peanuts dropped from the bird feeders (yes, no boring old pellets for the wild birds.) I must say, Nutmeg is quite kind to me when we're outside, shows me where to go and what to do, saves a lot of brain power.
Later on, They have Their lunch, indoors, we can see them through the window. It looks good and I can see the dog getting some nice little treats as well. So we all line up at the French windows and tap at the glass and turn our heads sideways to let Her know we'd like to come in. This doesn't work, but She does come out of the kitchen door after a bit and walks down the garden calling 'Chook! Chook!' in a very funny voice. We don't know why She does this but we all follow along as fast as we can and pile back into the run for a few measly handfuls of corn. After that, we all have a little snooze on the perches and finish up what's left of the mash, until it's time to go to roost.
Not a bad life, really, I suppose. I'm just glad She's posted a nice picture of me on the Forum, so at least people can see how beautiful I am. Fame of a sort, I suppose, even if I'm not as brainy as Some People!

Re: If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2012 1:05 pm
by cuwiar
:lol: Love it!

Re: If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2012 4:07 pm
by Marigold
Yes, yours too - I agree, cats are much more intellectual than dogs and need careful watching!

Re: If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:25 pm
by chrismahon
Hilarious. Really enjoyed reading both of those Cuwiar and Marigold. So my contribution:-

Bottom's diary.

5.30am Woken up again by the neighbours running up and down the stairs. I'm hungry -where's my food?
Can't find it anywhere. They've taken it away again because they say I'm fat. I'll get them up and get my food."Cock-a doodle-dooo!" "Cock-a-doodle-doooooooo!" "Cock-a-doodle-DOOOOOOOOOOO!"

5.45am. I can hear footsteps coming down the stairs. It's Daddy Bird. If I make some sad little noises he'll give me my food. "Poo poo pook". Works every time!

6.00am. Heating has come on now, so I'll stand in front of the fan radiator and preen a bit. Then I'll have a nap under the table.

7.00am. I can hear Mummy Bird coming down the stairs -time for treats. Here she is, if I stand by the worktop maybe I'll get it quicker. Yum,yum. tomato and grapes, my favorites and never enough. Made a bit of a mess here but never mind, Mummy Bird always cleans it up.

8.00am. Wonder if that pretty hen is in the dining room. Just pop down the hall and have a look. Yep, she's there. I'll just sidle over to her, stomp my feet, give her the one eye stare and Bob's your Uncle.

8.05am. Well that didn't work. She must be a bit odd - maybe she likes other hens? Still while I'm here I'll have a nap on this nice soft carpet.

Midday. What's that noise at the back door, must go round and investigate. Oh, it's only Daddy Bird. Better go under the table while he cleans up my 'accidents' in the dining room.

12.10pm. What's he doing at the worktop there? He has just opened the fridge and that's full of goodies so I will try and scrounge some. "Poo poo pook" "poo poo pook". Can't understand it, usually works, and I'm sure I would like cream crackers with Stilton cheese, despite what he tells me! Might as well have some more pellets while I'm up, don't want to get hungry later. Not much left in here though. Bet it's that hen next door pinching my food again -don't know how she gets out of that cage and sneaks back in? I'll nickname her 'Houdini' !!

2.30pm. Daddy Bird is putting his coat on and now his Wellies. If I remember correctly he always does this before he takes me down to the Orchard to see my girls. I'll just stand still and see if he talks to me. Yep, it's time to go. So excited, wish he'd walk a bit faster. Here they all are my lovelies. Bottom's here and I'll show you were the food is. But so there's no doubt who is in charge you will all get 'the stompy dance' first.

2.35pm. Wish these Wyandottes would clear off. I keep chasing them away but they still come back damn things! There seems to be more of them every day.

5.00pm. Well my girls are all safe in their coops so I'd better go back to mine. Wish they didn't keep this gate shut, I have to wait for Mummy or Daddy Bird to come and fetch me and here they are. Must tell them all about my day while we walk back, but I am so tired and just want a cuddle and a sleep.

5.01pm. Here's my bed -just move it about a bit and get comfortable. Nice and warm in here and I'm so t....

6.00pm. The light's come on so it must be cuddle time and Mummy Bird is here to collect me. I never had Mummy Bird cuddles until I came here. I was hatched in a machine and just left alone with my brothers and sisters in a cardboard box. So I'll just snuggle under her wing and have another nap. If I wriggle about a bit she'll squeeze me tighter... Ah, that's it.

7.00pm. Why has she woken me up. Oh, table cover is on and my food and water is there. I'm really hungry again so I'll eat some while I watch the people in the Country through the window in the corner.

7.30pm. Oh dear. Fallen asleep in my water again. Mummy Bird please take me to my bed and tuck me in. Need more sleep so I'll be ready for the girls tomorrow ZZZZZ........

Re: If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:35 pm
by Marigold
Are you SURE he's a cockerel? I think a lot of men would enjoy a home like Bottom's! What a very lucky bird he is.
I enjoyed this, Chris, thank you.

Re: If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:51 pm
by Sue
Very good! Loved them all. Perhaps you should all get together and write a book!

Re: If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 9:03 pm
by tygrysek75
Well done all,I loved them all :-)08 :-)08 Wish my english language skills were better:)

Re: If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2012 11:42 am
by cuwiar

Re: If pets kept a diary...

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 6:31 pm
by Marigold
Marigold's Diary

I have been having a simply terrible time, you wouldn't believe how cruel She has been to me. The past week, I've been thinking about those lovely eggs that some hens with more understanding owners are allowed to sit on, and the beautiful little fluffy chicks that result from them. I really feel I would make a wonderful Mum - in fact, I heard Her say so to a friend. I have been laying a lovely egg every day for ages now, and once it has come, I've tended to just go on sitting there, warm and cosy and all fluffed up, dreaming about babies. She has been keeping Her beady eye on me, though, and lifting me off and confiscating my egg and putting me outside in the cold grass run and blocking the nestboxes with big flowerpots at night so I can't sneak in there to sleep - and dream.....
My chest has been getting lovely and warm, just what you need this awful weather, and two days ago I decided enough was enough. Instead of sleeping on a perch I cuddled up on the floor of the coop, spread out my wings and got nice and cosy. Unfortunately She found me, rooted me out, scolded me, and put me out in that nasty draughty grass run all day, with only Amber for company since Amber never lays anyway. I puffed myself up, growled at her, would have spat if I'd been able, and ran around all day clucking my extreme disapproval.
But worse was to come ! When it was bedtime, Amber was allowed back in the run with the other two, but I was picked up and forceably pushed into a nasty guinea pig cage, with a mesh floor and sides, no perches, and absolutely nowhere to cuddle up comfortably. The wind up my bum was simply terrible. I could feel my chest cooling down, and the night seemed very long.
She rescued me at 7.00, and it was back in the grass run with Amber for the day - chilly and windy again. Then She gave me a good talking-to. She said She would put me back in the run with the others and watch to see if I went into the nestboxes, either straight away, or at bedtime. If I did, it would be another night in the Sin Bin.
Well, I had no choice, did I? Once again, my dreams of maternity have been cruelly dashed. Deeply disappointed, but somehow, now my chest has cooled down, it's more fun to be out with the other girls, especially my best friend Nutmeg, than boxed in to a nestbox for hour after boring hour. I think tomorrow I'll probably feel OK again. But I do have one revenge card up my wing - I might be feeling a moult coming on. That'll teach Her - nothing She can do about that!