They walk amongst us.

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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby bigyetiman » Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:31 pm

Glad to bring back memories for you. We had pre booked our tickets, and it had rained heavily Manchester way the day before, and the water in the caves had risen dramatically and they had to shut on the Monday afternoon. Luckily it had receded enough by Tues morning, just a case of emptying out the speedwell boat and cleaning the steps up, and in Peak Cavern scraping a load of mud away to let water drain away from the floor. Still one bonus of the rain we got to hear why Peak cavern is called the Devils Arse. We also did the Whin Hill and Hope Cross walk where we had a wonderful view of the valley and could see the cave entrances spread about. Then all the views of Ladybower on the way back.
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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby Marigold » Mon Oct 02, 2017 7:35 pm

We popped into our local Wyvale garden centre today, and ordered two small cappuccinos in the cafe. The small ones, at £2.80, are equivalent to a normal mugful and the 'ordinary' ones, at around £3.50 are twice the size, more than we want. Coffees arrived, and I produced my Wyvale card and a current money-off token, which entitled me to, I quote, a 'free drink, tea or coffee (not speciality drinks.)"
The lady serving us said 'I'm sorry, that offer is only available if you have a large coffee, not a small one, and you didn't tell me you wanted to use a token before I made it.'
So I asked how I was to know that only a large coffee qualified, and a small one was a 'speciality drink,' and indeed, what was the sense in this restriction? To resolve the impasse, I suggested she just rang up my small cup as a large one, everybody's happy.
No, she said, she couldn't do that. However, she was willing to make me another cup of coffee, a large one, and accept my token.
Bemused, I watched her pour away the untouched small cup and make a new large one, which I carried to the table and drank half of.
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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby bigyetiman » Mon Oct 02, 2017 8:31 pm

And thats when I killed her m'lord ....We have come across that sort of stupid logic, it beggars belief. Heard two good ones today. Mum is back in hospital and sitting in cafe a woman is on the phone and the conversation went. " it's your mum dear, they are keeping your dad in as he has a very high temperature and thats what was making him hilarious"
Other one was on the bus. Rather large girl gets on and says to her boyfriend/partner in a very loud voice " they want to do an internal examination on me how embarrassing is that" Well not that embarrassing if you can tell the whole bus obviously love
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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby LadyA » Fri Oct 06, 2017 8:49 am

bigyetiman wrote:Other one was on the bus. Rather large girl gets on and says to her boyfriend/partner in a very loud voice " they want to do an internal examination on me how embarrassing is that" Well not that embarrassing if you can tell the whole bus obviously love

Gosh, you don't mean you and the other passengers listened to what she shouted, did you? Well! I mean! Nobody would have expected that! If you can't have a very private conversation on a public bus, in a very loud voice, when can you?! :mrgreen: :D
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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby bigyetiman » Fri Oct 06, 2017 10:07 am

Given the loudness of her voice, I am surprised you couldn't hear the conversation as well
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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby Marigold » Mon Oct 30, 2017 5:15 pm

I've just had these in an email from BYM's OH, and when I had got up off the floor after collapsing with laughter, I thought you'd all like to share them too.




These Will Make You Laugh
How do court stenographers keep a straight face?

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby Margaid » Mon Oct 30, 2017 5:38 pm

She sent them to me to Marigold. I nearly fell off my chair too.
I really love the last one!
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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby Margaid » Sat Nov 04, 2017 2:05 pm

Went to an event last night where Dr Mark Baldwin talked about the Enigma Rotary code generator and whether being able to de-code German Naval messages had an impact on the war in the North Atlantic. The circumstantial evidence by way of reduction in merchant shipping losses would indicate that it did. I learnt loads of fascinating new stuff, including the fact that Germany was using the system when starting to re-arm in the '20s. I went to have a look at the machine after the talk finished and Dr Baldwin lifted up the metal cover over the bulbs to explain something. The man standing next to me, in his late fifties or sixties said "Oh, they're old fashioned bulbs not LEDs " I didn't dare look at Br Baldwin's face as he said "Not in a machine made in the 1920s"!
Last edited by Margaid on Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby bigyetiman » Sun Nov 05, 2017 5:44 pm

O M G. It sounds a fascinating talk though. My grandfather was in the Merchant Navy during the war, having served in the Royal Navy during the first war. Boy did he have some great stories to tell
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Re: They walk amongst us.

Postby Margaid » Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:21 am

Oops, just noticed a typo which I've corrected - it should have been 1920s. The Germans actually patented the Enigma machine in London but because of the rotors used to generate the letters they thought no-one would be able to crack it. The three rotor system was actually cracked by three Poles who gave all the information to Britain and France and destroyed all other records before Germany invaded Poland. It was later expanded to 5 rotors (only 3 used at a time) but the German Navy went up to 8 rotors at the beginning of 1942 and merchant shipping losses were horrendous for the whole of that year until a "U boat" was captured and the paperwork referring to the machine transferred to the Royal Navy destroyer. Two seamen went back to get the machine but the "Uboat" sank with them on board so they never knew how great was their contribution to the war effort. I could go on for hours ...
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